Returning and Rest

The dormant things are coming to life, waking up in the warmth of our days.

The sour smell of the Bradford pears and the chorus of birds coming in through the back door remind me this morning that Spring is not only coming but blossoming here. Getting the yard and garden ready for all that spring, summer, and fall will hold is our main task for today.

It’s one thing to know that you have a job to do and it’s another thing to put on your shoes and go do it.

I stepped into the backyard to answer my husband’s questions about where each garden bed should go and re-starting our compost when I looked up at the fence line. We both stood there, hands on our hips, contemplating what will stay and what has to be pruned back or uprooted.

The warmth and the water have started something that is not easy to stop. The vines cover everything and new, infantile trees are reaching for the sun. They are all so beautiful when well placed and tended. But, this morning, they are a mess.

And so am I.

Weeks of overgrowth threaten the margins of my schedule, my mind, my heart, and my home. There is no space left. No breathing room. Beautiful things recklessly reaching across the boundary lines into other spaces in my life.

And just like my garage is full of the tools needed to tend the garden, I am full of the tools needed to tend my life. But have I the will to do it?

We can read book after book, hear sermon after sermon, take seminar after seminar on how to care for ourselves. All the knowing doesn’t become doing without the will to do it.

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way”, they say. It speaks to how fickle the human will be but also the power it employs. Fickle meaning often changing or going back and forth, as if to say “Where there’s no will, there’s no way” - without the will the way is hard or impassable. The human will is powerful in that it can force a change in the path ahead of us. It can bring us to do what God has given us to do.

In some moments, I feel as the sluggard described in Proverbs 19:24 who puts his hand into the bowl and can’t even bring it to his mouth. The tasks or state of things can either inspire one to action or to reluctance. Where is the will to lift my hand? I ask the Lord to lift my hand, in spite of myself. He is faithful.

I’ll take an inventory today - What am I doing? Who am I becoming? What has God asked of me? What am I doing to please people? What am I doing for myself? Does it all please God? Is it all mine to do?

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. “ -Proverbs 19:21

It’s a returning to lessons hard-learned in years past. This is a moment I feel guilty returning to - time and again having to reassess my state of health in every field. Why do I feel guilty? Have I believed a false notion that knowledge and mastery of a skill no longer require practice? My Spanish degree was hard-earned but, these days, I stumble over my Spanish words like my toddler learning to speak.

Unemployed abilities just turn into memories. The longer we leave them unpracticed, the less dexterity we have when we pick them back up to use.

There is no guilt in returning to a state of self-examination and inventory, of reassessment and correction. After all, we pruned the vines and trimmed the trees in the fall then we stored the tools in the garage. We didn’t sell the tools online or throw them out because this isn’t a once-and-for-all type of work.

Garden tending is seasonal. We were created to be seasonal, cyclical beings.

I refuse the guilt of needing fresh tending and instead will sit with my tools and invite the Gardener of my heart to do His work in me. Lord, make me a fruitful garden - weeding, pruning, tilling, sowing, and tending. Let’s do this, again.

“Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

In the Love of Christ,

Hannah

We Change

We all change.

I just folded another load of laundry and realized that, at some point, the way I fold towels has changed. There used to be one - and only one - way to fold a towel in my life. You hold it up, fold in one third onto the middle third then the last third onto that to make one long panel that you would fold twice on top of itself. That...sounds ridiculous when I write it out but that is the way it was!

I looked down at my stack of towels today and realized these towels look nothing like my pristinely folded towels of early marriage. Why did I change my pattern? Have I gotten lazy and this is less intensive? Or did my circumstances change? Have we bought towels of different shapes recently?

Yes! I see it now. My little window sill in our Irish bathroom with just enough ledge to hold our towels and no cabinet space to be found. I changed my technique to fit that window sill because no one wants to run down the hall to the hot press (hall closet...kindof) naked and damp when they forget to get a new towel. Do you know how cold an Irish house can get? Not fun.

I changed. The situation required a change so I changed. Is this a good change? With certainty, I can confirm this is an irrelevant change for my life.

This time in quarantine, God has challenged me to retreat and take rest in Him more seriously. He has brightly pointed out the truths I had missed this past year as time was scarce and transition was abundant. He has comforted me, corrected me, loved me so well. He has taken care of me and my deepest soul needs. He is so good.

He, my loving Father, showed me that I have changed. I have adapted like the folds of a towel to a new window sill but, in the face of that question about whether this has been a good change or not, I see a stark reality. He pointed out the ways I have pursued Him in power while also cowering in action. He has reminded me of the goals He set before me in the infancy of my marriage with grace for the ways I have stutter stepped in pursuit of His good purposes.

Oh, how Merciful is He! So very merciful. This season has meant time alone with Him, seated in His Word and Presence, and time in community (by phone and internet) with people who care so much about who God made me to be that they war in prayer. People that love me pleading with the Father that I become more like Jesus. I found rest and purpose and renewed strength.

We all change but what direction are we changing in? And why? And is it good change? A godly, purposeful change?

It is not too late to take deep breaths, retreat in the wee hours, make space for the Lord and let Him point out your wins and your losses. When He points these out, He points toward Hope.

In the Love of Christ,

Hannah

Isaiah 30

Pleasing Someone

can clearly remember sitting in the stadium seated lecture hall for Anatomy and Physiology II at Western Kentucky University, halfway through college with the real beginning of nursing school only four months away. I don’t clearly remember what was going on in my life. What I clearly remember and have memorized since that very moment is this:

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” -Galatians 1:10

By nature, I am a little too strong-willed to be a people-pleaser. But, in certain settings, I can find myself giving in to the very human desire to be liked, to be approved of, to be understood. The Lord knows He has placed me in many of those “certain settings” in the past three years.

Thankfully, I am less likely to fall into the trap of people pleasing than I was sitting in that university lecture hall but less likely does not mean I never fall into it. I still stumble and start down that slippery slope! But, I tend to notice a little quicker and correct my course a bit sooner in the times that my focus is off of myself and on Jesus.

My current circumstances lend themselves to the trap of people-pleasing. I have recently moved, started a new job, and changed ministries as a family. We encounter new people every day. I felt worn a little thinner than normal this past week and took some time to ask the Lord what was going on, to help me see what was weighing me down.

He faithfully showed me in a time of worship. As the lyrics rolled off my tongue, I realized my feet had started to slip down the slope toward serving people rather than serving God and He was reaching out to help me up.

“From the need to be understood

And from a need to be accepted

From the fear of being lonely

Deliver me O God

...

And I shall not want, no, I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want”

Audrey Assad

How desperately do I want to be understood, to justify my actions and decisions? Even when I know I have done the right thing or made the right choice, a creeping fear can surface that someone might not understand, that they may not see things the way I have seen them. This can be most clearly displayed in my life as I take care of people, either personally or professionally.

In my awareness that I want to live a life that shines the Light of Jesus brightly, I had gotten caught up last week in meeting the needs of others while being overly concerned with their perception of me. That healthy self-awareness paired with caring for others needs had started to turn into people-pleasing.

When I say people-pleasing, what I really mean is serving others for the sake of their approval in place of serving God by caring for those around me. This kind of people-pleasing leaves me exhausted and worn, too tired to love people well and too anxious that I’ll make a wrong move. In that mode, I rely solely on my own abilities instead of on God’s work through me.

It is good to care for people, treat them well and meet their needs when your motives are sound. But, it hit me as I sang those words that I was people-pleasing out of fear. A shift had happened from loving people well because I was satisfied in God’s love and goodness to pleasing people out of fear that they wouldn’t like or trust me.

An exhausting fear of being disliked or misunderstood slipped in the moment I began to value my relationship with people over my relationship with God.

In the same breath that this realization hit me, the goodness of God swept over me as well. He showed me moment by moment how He was providing for every single need I had that morning. He reminded me of His promise of His abundant goodness in my bible study shortly after that with a verse from Psalm 31:19. He gave me peace to just do the right thing, no matter the cost or how I am perceived by others

The goodness of God leaves me feeling safe and known, giving me the strength to do nearly impossible things because His goodness is so often displayed in my inability to do everything just right. Even if no one ever understands why I felt the way I felt or did the things I did, His goodness satisfies me because He, my Creator and Friend, knows me full well.

The reason I had to sit down and walk through this situation with written words, though not terribly specific in the details (after all, this testimony isn’t really about me), is because I am certain I am not the only person tempted to forfeit the lasting, unexplainable peace of God for the temporary, hard to grasp approval of people. I cannot be the only person that needs to be encouraged by the God who desires to help us walk out His purpose and goodness.

May we lift our gaze to Christ, covering us in His grace and mercy as we seek Him first and His Kingdom.

In the Love of Christ,

Hannah

“Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!” (Psalm 31:19)

“But if anyone loves God, he is known by God.” 1 Corinthians 8:3

Hands Open

I have been looking to my right, through the wide windows of our bedroom turned in-home office, for three weeks now. I think it has been three weeks. Four weeks may have already passed uncounted by my occupied mind. So, I am sitting down to take an inventory within.

From the sounds of my conversations and the looks of our social media feeds, it is clear that none of us really know if we are doing this season of life correctly. There is certainly a sense some days that we made it through work at home, church from home, school at home, physical distancing and social connection where able with a sense of accomplishment and gratitude. But, there are other days that feel so unsettled, unaccomplished and uncertain that I can only cling to the command to take heart in Jesus.

I have tried to be careful what I share publicly - there are so many feelings and opinions. Reluctantly, we shared that we are expecting another baby because at 20 weeks on the fourth pregnancy (I write fourth and pause… truly the sixth pregnancy with a loss still tangible enough in my spirit that I can’t move on without acknowledging that child) I am quite evidently pregnant. Good news of expectant joy in the midst of whatever this season is!

I wish I could call it something other than a “season”. As a nurse, I call it a pandemic and walk sure-footedly behind the practitioners I watch pour hours and weeks of their lives into understanding the research that is ever evolving so they can help people in an unprecedented time. As a citizen, I call it a wedge between people across my home country. I never know what to expect from anyone’s mouth and have felt the sting of words enough this season to just want it to be over.

The icing on this proverbial cake is that our lives still smell so much of newness. New home. New community. New jobs. New church. New school. New spatula. Everything is still new, not even a year old as we resettle as transplants in a new community. We are thankful the Lord has directed our steps and trust Him for each step to come! We try to find rest in Him and accept the stilling reality that nothing feels like home except Him.

And that is where I will land this wandering helicopter surveying the valleys of my heart and mind. Not a single plan of mine can be written in stone. I have hung my hand sewn curtains in my kitchen and finished the pillow I wanted for the bed after placing the last remaining frame in that empty spot I’ve eyed on the wall for six months. I make a home with my palms up and a loose grasp because the Lord Himself directs our path.

“13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. 17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”

James 4:13-17 NIV

The last verse stings my still fresh wounds of failed people pleasing as the salve of it’s truth gets in deep to continue it’s healing. If I know the good that I should do and I don’t do it, then I am sinning. That verse is hope for this season and a call to simply do the good God places at my hands. That verse rings the bell of freedom for me to look to God in each task and know that the One who knows my heart best isn’t asking me to keep moving forward alone or at any other pace than the one He has set for me.

Though not an excuse from the work of this life, it is an excuse from the work that is not mine to do.

What intimacy with His Spirit and knowledge of His Word must I have to do this well? To follow His lead obediently one step at a time? More than I have now but, in this season, there is my resolve - to know Him more and follow Him better while I do the work He sets before me.

I’ll snuggle the toddler with a diaper rash, read to little women feeling restless, sit with the man keeping our family going, and work as best I can discern to be the nurse God made me to be. But, first, I must pray, study, and rest in Jesus.

Conditions

I had spent time in the bible for the first time in years as a seventeen year old girl completely overwhelmed by how much good news there was to read in this leather bound book with my full name printed in the bottom right corner of the cover. This gift had always been precious to me but had collected dust for a while. It was becoming the lifeline I did not realize my soul needed.

I quickly quipped a scripture from the book of Romans in the New Testament that I had been rolling around in my head to a leader from church. We were discussing some hard things happening and I said, “Oh but we know that God is working in all things for the good of those who love Him!” Papa Gary looked back at me and said, “and have been called according to His purpose. Don’t ever forget there’s more to that verse. You have to look at the whole promise.”

For days - maybe years - that rolled and cycled in my head and my heart. The whole promise? What’s the difference? Wait, for whom will God work in all things for the good? It’s not just for people that love God? They have to be called, too? Who is called then?

My study turned out to be much deeper and longer the more I thought through those questions (and I’m not going to answer them here today - different post another day, maybe). My understanding of this promise from God, however, also became much deeper and prayerfully accurate as I dug in with persistence to understand what God was saying.

Now, eleven years later, I still have this same conversation with the Lord as I read His Word. God has made people promises from the very beginning but some come with conditions. I would like to know exactly how many promises come with conditions but, from my time in the Word, I believe most of them do.

My children hate when I make them a promise that comes with a condition. Promises of dessert with the condition of clean rooms or good behavior lead to meltdowns (that get me out of sugaring them up). They fear they won’t live up to the condition so they will often forfeit it from the very beginning. But, on an increasing number of occasions, they seem to be learning that we mean what we say and will fulfill their part to get the promised treat.

We all really want the reward without the work.

Unlike my human parenting promises, God’s promises are for things much more valuable than an ice cream sandwich. His conditions admittedly are a bit harder than cleaning up our toys.

I often know a promise has a condition in it when I see a word like “if” or “when”. For example: “If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.” Psalm 91:9-10

It seems there is a promise to the people that God will keep you from harm and disaster if you dwell in the Lord Most High. This is a complex promise, not a quick trick to getting safety and prosperity. If my first thought is, “Awesome! I’ll just try to remain in the Lord so I never get hurt and my house doesn’t burn down!” then I have really already forfeited the promise and missed the point completely. Dwelling in the Lord is not about what we can get out of it.

Instead, I should zoom in on this verse with praise to the Lord that nothing that would ever befall me could be for my detriment if I am remaining in Him. It prompts further questions about how to remain in Him and how He becomes my refuge. Zooming out just a little, the rest of this Psalm indicates to me that if I dwell in the Lord - living with my eyes fixed on Jesus and continually returning to the Lord in every circumstance of my days - then He will be present, delivering, and satisfying my needs all my days in a variety of ways, even stating that the days will be many. Zooming further out to the entirety of scripture I recognize that the Father meets this promise with Jesus and will work in all things for my good, for I love Him and have been called according to His purpose.

That explanation could be expounded on much further but I sat down to share a little of my heart without writing a 12 page paper. Let me leave it at that … with one more note.

The conditions of God’s promises appear to be an integral part of how He executes His promise.

What I mean is that the work God requires for many promises in scripture to be fulfilled is often part of the way He fulfills the promise. Keeping with Psalm 91, the acts of remaining in God (i.e. persisting in His presence, turning to Him in prayer, holding my thoughts captive to Him, obeying His commands, etc.) will keep much harm from coming near me and will give me clarity in time of trouble to see the Lord’s sovereign hand already at work in delivering me from a trial as I pass through it. As I remain in Him, I will know His movement in my life because I will know Him better! Even the hard things will be more than bearable for the joy God instills in us as we we make Him our dwelling place. We will be as the Israelites often were when they sought God rightly before war - going into battles with assurance they had the victory long before the battle starts.

The condition of this particular promise - dwelling in the Most High God - is more of a reward than the promise itself. I mean that.

Look for His promises. Look for the conditions. Rejoice when you find them. Thank Him for His mercy to show them to us. Praise Him for His grace to fill in the gaps where we don’t measure up. Ask Him to give you strength through the Holy Spirit to meet every condition.

In the Love of Christ,

Hannah

Brushing Hair in Prayer

This conversation happens every time I pick up the hair brush in our home.

Daughter: Brush my sister's hair first! I don't want you to brush my hair!

Me: I have to brush your hair now please come here before it dries and let me brush it.

Daughter: It will be okay without brushing. I don't want to do it!

I have tried a thousand ways to get to the hair brushing point without crying. I use distraction. I buy the fancy hair products. I therapeutically discuss, at other points in the day when we are all calm and well fed, why we brush hair and how necessary it is. We have even talked through the options of cutting hair so brushing takes less time. But, nearly every time, the hairbrush comes out with sounds of anguish and fury (too dramatic...or completely accurate?). I remind them that, in our home, brushing hair is not a "want to" but a "have to" activity.

There are a few sentences that I hear my mouth repeat during a hair brushing. Phrases like, "If you sit still, it won't hurt as much" or "I'm almost done and you just made more knots by spinning around". They must have learned their brush evasion tactics from the gators rolling on Swamp People.

Here's the thing, my oldest daughter loves having long hair. After the crying and pulling away and all the build up to what, doesn't have to be, a rough event, she turns to me and says, "Mommy, do you think my braid looks pretty?". She pets her braid and looks at the reflection in the oven door or window nearby. She grins shyly showing pride in her beautiful hair... a braid she didn't want ten minutes ago.

But how did she get there? How did we get from tangled mess to pretty Elsa braid?

I zoomed out a bit in prayer this morning thinking of the Sovereignty of God. He has reminded me in recent circumstances, discussion, and study of His Sovereignty over all things. I read Isaiah 46, a chapter in the Old Testament of the accounts of the prophet Isaiah, everyday for two weeks as we came to the US from Ireland. I listened to an awe-inspiring message on verses within that chapter this past week and the Lord affirmed so much of what He has been teaching me this past month (The Sovereignty of God, Desired God).

Then this weekend came with a whirlwind of events, too fresh to share in this capacity. We are well in our souls but life is wild and unexpected yet somehow wrapped in the Peace of God!

I believe the Lord makes known the end from the beginning, that His purpose and His will WILL happen because He has spoken them and nothing can stop His purpose and will! He is God. No one is like Him. That's what Isaiah 46, specifically verses 8-11 are about. If you want to examine the Sovereignty of God deeper, please read or watch the message I mentioned above.

But how does that actually translate into my life? Where does my capacity to make decision and decide what I will do or won't do come into the determined purposes of God?

I prayed about that yesterday afternoon. I picked a sermon to listen to while I got ready yesterday with that in mind and I landed on one in which Francis Chan talks about the Sovereignty of God displayed in his life. He refers to verses 4+5 in Jeremiah chapter 1:

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

God spoke those words to the prophet Jeremiah but they speak a broader truth over all of us. God knows us. He knows me in every detail and He has known me. He is my Creator, Father, Shepherd. He knows exactly what His purpose is and what His Will means for my life. He allows me to make so many choices and to decide how my days go but all within the reality that I am approaching His Will. How will I approach it? I think a lot of that is up to me while understanding that I cannot frustrate the Will of God. It's where I determine whether I will let my will align with His Will.

And it so simply yet complexly came together in my prayer this morning as I thought of those rare moments when I sit down to brush my daughters' hair and they sit completely still. It's rare but beautiful when I can run the brush swiftly through the easy places then say, "Babe, there is one knot that might hurt but I'm going to be gentle" so she sits there and takes her sweet, deep little breath as I use my finger nails to work all the looser strands away before I brush through the ones tightly knotted together. One brush stroke. Two brush stroke. She's done. We are through it. I braid it all into the flowing, peace preserving braid that will keep her hair untangled for the next day. She says thank you and runs off to play while her sister sits and does the same things because she just watched big sis sit and experience a peaceful hair brushing, even with the knots. She trusts that, as she sits still, my perspective as mom and hair brushing extraordinaire will bring goodness out of the tangled mess.

Psalm 46:10

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.”

It is better when I remain still in the Will of God and just trust Him to be the God He has declared He is.

After we lost our baby in 2015, I took a weekend away to rest in the Lord and this poem quoted in my devotional by L.B. Cowan spoke peace to my soul and it flooded back into my memory as I pictured myself brushing my daughter's hair.

No chance hath brought this ill to me;

'Tis God's own hand, so let it be,

He seeth what I cannot see.

There is a need-be for each pain,

And He one day will make it plain

That earthly loss is heavenly gain.

Like as a piece of tapestry

Viewed from the back appears to be

Naught but threads tangled hopelessly;

But in the front a picture fair

Rewards the worker for his care,

Proving his skill and patience rare.

Thou art the Workman, I the frame.

Lord, for the glory of Thy Name,

Perfect Thine image on the same.

--Selected, Author Arthur Christopher Bacon

Whether the portrayal of my life is a beautifully stitched and woven tapestry by the Master Weaver or explained as the child of a Father who brushes the knots out of my tangled mess, the same truth reigns: the Maker of heaven and earth makes known the end from the beginning. My role is to determine if I will walk ambivalently through this life or if I will trust my Father by remaining still in His presence - trusting His hands at work as I feel the pull and tug of knots yielding to Him - listening for His guidance through the each step. Stillness in His presence being the quiet, calm, unwavering state of my soul and spirit, most clear when my physical body stops long enough to truly dwell in Him with deep breaths.

I can pull away and do it my way, only to come back to His faithful hands to untangle an even greater mess- take an even longer time through a healing process so that I may be close to Him again. Or I can accept the gift of Christ's work on the cross and in resurrection that allows me to walk all the days of my life, and eternity, in real relationship with my Father God with the Holy Spirit dwelling richly within me. I can tell you which choice I have made and pray to make in every single move of my days: His Way.

My decision there, to believe He is who He says He is and have faith in Him, makes tangled times like these sweetly peaceful. God bless you, today.

In the Love of Christ,

Hannah

Longing and Loving

It is hard to be so far away from people you love so dearly.

For years, I have read the letters written by the Paul the Apostle in the New Testament and thought it was so sweet how much he loved the churches he was teaching from afar. He pours out beautiful prayers for them and makes it clear that he has been endeavoring to keep up with the news there. He is definitely not the only one who loves his brothers and sisters deeply, but he is the one on my mind today.

When we landed in Ireland over a year ago, I started to feel that longing for our families and our friends back in the States. I was watching on social media as the church we had just been serving for four years was changing, growing in answer to so many teary eyed and heavy hearted prayers. I was in the group texts still hearing the prayer requests and praises of women in whom the Lord was mightily working. I longed to see it with my eyes but knew it wasn't my place to be there in that season. From afar, I prayed deeply for them and sent encouragement as I felt led.

The risk of really loving people, taking down the walls that the world wants between us to walk in deep relationship with other humans trying their best to live well, was realized in how much I missed these champions. You could almost hear the enemy's lies trying to take advantage of this moment, "What's the point of building community here in Ireland? What if you leave in a few months and all you have is more people you may never see again and who may forget about you?"

The Lord gently led me early in my "pastor's wife" journey with some pretty amazing women to advise me. My friend Ally Bergstrom told me on her front porch after I drove 70 miles for some advice and encouragement that life in ministry is not easy but it's good. She told me to guard my heart, that not everyone has to know everything about me. I'm a pretty open person but I was learning the hard way that could hurt as a wife in ministry if I didn't have discernment to know what to share and when to share it. That could hurt me in life - full stop! She reminded me that my heart is a temple of the most High God and I should remember that, especially in relationships.

I have never forgotten that moment. It was a switch flipped in my heart and mind, pushing me to go to the Lord for guidance instead of running to my friends first. I began to understand who to trust and how much to share. What could have shut down my relational side with fear that everyone would use and abuse me instead strengthened me and led me to a truly deep relationships of great value.

Landing in Ireland, my prayer was for the Lord to clearly establish friendships and quickly help me discern things. He did that. I am thankful. It wasn't fun or easy but He was clear.

We plugged in slowly in comparison to the super speedway of the American church model of fellowship. It took us a few months to choose a church. I was enjoying a weekly parent toddler group at the school in our village with the lovely ladies there before we had even found a church family! And, when we prayed as a family and asked Jane which church she wanted to attend, it settled the matter. We plugged into Ballinasloe Christian Fellowship and what a blessing this was! There are great fellowships around where we lived but the Lord put us in Ballinasloe and we understood this more and more over time.

The relationships we built there are beautiful and real and Spirit-led. This is a small but mighty congregation of people who spend time in the Word, alone and together, and try to put feet to their faith in tangible ways. It is evident the Lord is at work and we are thankful to still call them family.

Between our friends at OM, other local churches, the local community, and our new church home, we found ourselves in beautiful and deep community there in Ireland. We still felt the longing and care for the people we missed at home. I have never had so many people to love in such vastly different places! And the Apostle Paul's words took on new depth for me.

I sat here reading Romans 1, verses 8 through 17, a few days ago and felt it to the depths of my being:

"First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is being reported all over the world. God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you in my prayers at all times; and I pray that now at last by God’s will the way may be opened for me to come to you.

I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith. I do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters, that I planned many times to come to you (but have been prevented from doing so until now) in order that I might have a harvest among you, just as I have had among the other Gentiles.

...

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile. For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”

Paul talks about the Lord knowing how he constantly remembers these people in his prayers and longs to be with them, to encourage them and for them to gift one another in spiritual fellowship! He wants them to be strengthened, encouraged, and to hear the Good News of Jesus afresh.

We built real community, by the grace of God, in Ireland. It is such a blessing and a holy privilege to love so many people so very much.

And now, from 3,000 miles away, I understand Paul's longing more. I understand Jesus' prayer in John 17 better. In verse 21, Jesus prays to the Father for the believers to come (that would be all of us Christians since the disciples), "that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me."

That prayer has changed me. Jesus asked His Father for me to be as connected in love and fellowship to other believers as He is to the Father! I believe what scripture says and know that we, as believers in Christ, are filled with the Holy Spirit. This gives us the ability to be one - united as one Church, one Body of Christ by One Spirit - so that by remaining in Christ others will look at us and BELIEVE that God sent His Son. Our deep unity in fellowship has a purpose in showing Jesus to the world.

All of that one-ness now makes a new level of sense to me. Jesus died on the cross and conquered death to pay the price for my salvation. What I was helpless to do on my own, He did on my behalf. All of this gracious sacrifice so that I may have life and have it abundantly - to the full, eternally (John 10:10) - in relationship with the Maker of Heaven and Earth. And that abundant, full, eternal life is demonstrated in the beauty of relationship with one another, as well.

So, I sit in my rainy Tennessee winter and rejoice for all the people I love so deeply nearby to be so very close. Then, I close my eyes and long to just have some tea and biscuits with my Irish friends, chatting about everything from the weather to the beautiful expressions of our faith in Jesus.

Godly fellowship is a holy privilege, indeed.

Where Power Rests

We live in the unexpected. God, in His mercy, gives us glimpses of what lies ahead of us more often than not. Those glimpses come through encouraging conversations, deeply seated passions within us, or doors that open wide before us. Those glimpses are displays of His mercy as He shows us where we go next and they don’t happen every time.

Having been “on the mission field” now since January, serving the Lord in ministry of a much different variety than our previous lives in the American church, I can honestly say I found myself nesting into our current life. Part of that nesting comes naturally when you have a baby and want to have a safe, comfortable home for that little one to enter into. The other part of that nesting is just the basic human desire to feel at home.

This can become an idol for me, taking my focus off God and putting it on myself. I mean, on those sometimes rare evenings where the whole house is tidy (it’s never actually clean...just tidy) and the kiddos are asleep and I actually have a hot drink that I can drink before it gets cold while snuggled up on the couch with a book and MAYBE even a nice fire while Billy also rests watching soccer...pure bliss! I just love it! It’s peaceful, it’s calm, and it’s homey. I desire those moments so much that I might even rush through dinner and encourage my kids to fall asleep early and maybe even have saved my coffee allowance for that moment all day! If I’m being honest.

But, more often than not, at least one child is still awake and needing love from her parents and usually my coffee sits on the counter and I have to microwave it two or three times before I actually sit down. By the time I snuggle into the corner of the couch, I’m so tired I don’t finish the drink and I go ahead to bed.

That was the case last night. I sat down and realized how tired I was, nearly ready to forget the couch and head to bed. It was a good day but a long day and I lost my cool a couple of times throughout it, fighting off a headache that just wouldn’t go away.

We are coming up to the day we will go home to the US, just three weeks from now, to apply for new visas to return here. God willing, we will be back in this house and on the appropriate visa for the service God has for us here in the next three months. There is an underlying tone of fearing the unexpected that creeps in every now and then only to be overcome by the goodness of God.

A friend sent me a song that's bridge has been running through my head every time I try to settle into the corner of the couch.

“And when I thought I lost me

You knew where I left me

You reintroduced me to Your love

You picked up all my pieces

Put me back together

You are the Defender of my heart”

(Defender)

I wish my settling into the corner of the couch was immediately restful but it isn’t. It starts with a re-hashing of those moments in the day that I didn’t have self-control, that I was easily angered, that I lost myself a little bit. Singing this song to myself and reminding myself that the Lord is with me, even in those moments that I lose myself, waiting for me to turn my eyes back to Him and off of myself helps me clear away the guilt or shame I have started to save up during my day.

I get to the second verse of the song, “You know before I do where my heart can seek to find Your truth. Your mercy is the shade I'm living in. You restore my faith and hope again” and the comfy corner of my couch changes from a place of remembering my failing to a place of remembering His mercy. All of a sudden, my weakness and imperfection become what the Lord has already said it is! They are places for Him to make His power perfect in me. I can even take those struggles and boast about them to the whole internet world in hopes that people see Jesus in this!

And I remember the Apostle Paul says:

“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

That’s what I feel and know to be true in the corner of my couch: Christ’s power resting on me.

Only Jesus can so instantaneously take me from wallowing in my weakness to boasting in my weakness! I laugh along with other moms as we read blogs and articles honestly and vulnerably sharing how real the struggle is, finding a bit of hope in the camaraderie that is eating all the leftovers off of your kids’ plate and wanting to use the toilet alone for a few minutes (a latrine vacation!). But, as good as it is to find you aren’t the only one doing life in the wilderness of child-raising, marriage, ministry, or whatever else, it doesn’t actually change the ache.

Friendship is a salve to the sore but not the cure.

For me, I find that laughing through some of the privileged trials of motherhood does make the load a little lighter for a while but not actually easier. It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one struggling in this season! But, honestly, it doesn’t give me the strength to do it again tomorrow. Jesus does.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I laugh with other moms as we share burdens, but, if we don’t take those burdens to Jesus, then we are sharing burdens that are still heavy and weigh us down together. It a relief for a while but is ultimately not the best choice for the long haul.

The best choice?

Hear Jesus asking us to bring those burdens to Him and accept what He has to offer! Sit down at the end of the day, at the middle of the day, or just start the day off laying down the privileged burden of motherhood or of being a wife or of whatever other roles you get to do and ask Jesus to carry it! Let Him take that weakness and make His power perfect by displaying it in your very life!

I call the corner of my couch homey because, regardless of how much time I spend making this house our home, it will never actually be my home. The corner of my couch becomes a bit of home when I open the Bible in prayer and desire to know Jesus more. But, it still isn’t home. My home, the place I will never have to fight my own mind or my own body or the continual desires of the world, is in heaven. It’s ahead of me and where I fix my eyes: eternity with Jesus.

In these days of the unexpected and the unknown, we will keep on taking steps and obeying the Lord regardless of where that takes us. I love this house and the people God has made our family here in Ireland. I love that the Lord has given us a passion for what He has called us to here. I love meeting new people and living our godly, though imperfect, life.

I love Jesus more.

Whatever your Will is, I want it, Lord. May we desire to be home with You more than to build a home for ourselves here. May we carry burdens with friends and family straight to the cross of Christ to lay them down together. May we boast in our weaknesses and see you transform them into displays of Your Power. May we trust you to show us back to who we are in You when we lose ourselves in the day-to-day struggles. May we sit in the shade of Your Mercy, in the Name of Jesus.

In the Love of Christ,

Hannah

When Competition Divides

My daughter came in from school yesterday a little out of sorts. There is this look that comes across her face when she is trying to distract herself, or maybe just distract me, from the fact that she is upset. She couldn’t hide it for too long because, once she got upset about the scissors not working well, she had a meltdown. This was not about the scissors.

After a few minutes of crying and being held in my lap, she finally told me what happened. Her friend at school was awarded “Student of the Day” for being a great helper, or something of that sort. I told her how exciting that her friend has been such a good helper that she got that title! My daughter disagreed. She told me she was too sad for herself to be happy for her friend.

Somehow, the Lord led us through that conversation. I explained to her that it is ok to be sad for ourselves and happy for our friends at the same time, that the Bible tells us to laugh with those who laugh and mourn with those who mourn. She listened intently but determined she just couldn’t be happy for her friend today because she was still too sad for herself.

She went on to tell me that she had been a great helper putting away the books but it was as if no one even noticed. I assured her that God noticed and He is the only one we are truly doing good things for, following the past few weeks of us learning together to look for the good work God has prepared for us to do each day. I told her I still needed her help and she asked to vacuum the living room (praise the Lord!). Away she went to take all her feelings out on the stray tortilla chip crumbs and torn pieces of paper in the living room.

Later, as we sat down to pray for dinner, she did something I have never heard her do before: she prayed for that friend and thanked God for bringing her to Ireland, too. She still wasn’t happy she missed out on the award but she was trying to be happy for her friend.

Man… just scrolling through my Instagram feed, I know this is a struggle for so many of us today. Post after post displays our desire, especially as women, for other women to be our cheerleaders and not our competition. We are encouraged to fix one another’s crowns instead of dragging other women down. We are reminded to find our tribes, that group of people who will go to battle with you in every aspect of life. This theme is everywhere because it has been recurring since we were four year olds hoping to be the “Student of the Day”.

I realized a few things as I prayed for my little girl this week.

First, we are driven to compete with one another. Our human nature drives this. The devil drives this. I mean, Genesis chapter 4 tells us how Cain and Abel were out there bringing their offerings to God near the beginning of time and what happened? Cain’s offering wasn’t what God desired which means Abel pleased the Lord and Cain did not. Instead of making a mental note and coming with the correct offering the next time, Cain lures his brother into the field and kills him. Not much has changed. We still find people competing for first place and acting out when they don’t get it. It’s not just big, murderous stories like Cain and Abel, it’s seeing one person get elevated when you feel like you should have been so you gossip a little behind their back. Or maybe you don’t gossip out loud, but inside you are thinking all kinds of things that justify your hurt by tearing the other person down. I would argue that is just as bad. Jesus tells us it is: “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment.” (Mark 5:21-22a).

I am not saying competition is bad in and of itself. Competition can be healthy, in control; it pushes us to succeed and improve. I am saying that the way we react to seeing someone else “beat us”, for lack of a better term, is significant. Do we let it build up hate or envy in our heart? It is hard to love someone or cheer them on when we are feeling the opposite in our heart.

Secondly, if we don’t talk through it or pray through it, these feelings become snares. They trap us in a cycle that is hard to stop. I feel that any unaddressed or even repressed negative feelings become toxic, poisoning everything we do. It was hard to sit there and watch my daughter push her feelings down while trying to cut up some fabrics with me (safety first, of course). She was irritable and eventually lost control all together. I can guarantee if I had offered for this same friend to come for a playdate right then, she would have said no out of spite.

I have definitely been there. It was like God was showing me just what I have looked like when I left things to simmer too long inside and spilled them all out when some other obstacle knocked the lid off the boiling pot that was my emotional stew. It becomes unpalatable and it isolates us from the person with whom God desires to reconcile us. Jesus goes on in Matthew 5 to say we should immediately reconcile ourselves to those we are against in our hearts, first, with the example of forgiving or seeking forgiveness of a brother before you go to make your sacrifice to God and, second, telling people to settle legal matters while on the way to court instead of letting it get all the way to the courts.

I really get the feeling He knows things will get way out of hand the longer we let them go on. These are footholds the enemy can use against us, opportunities for divisiveness. Where unity is the goal, unhealthy competition has no place. So many passages of scripture come to mind because there is nothing new under the sun! The disciples struggled with this while Jesus was walking with them! We would be naive to think we are past or beyond this same struggle.

I am a rambler by nature so I will wrap this up with my third and most tender take away from this week:

When others are elevated, we fear that we are unseen. As my daughter started to explain how she cleaned up the bookshelf and it was as if no one even noticed, I felt the sting that comes with realizing we are all hoping to be seen and known. Her teachers are wonderful and I know she is seen at school. That’s the crux of it, right there. When Abel received praise, I bet Cain felt overshadowed and unseen. The sounds of others receiving praise seems to drown out the truth about our worth… if we let it.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10)

At one point, I struggled to believe that I was intentionally created by the Author of all creation as his workmanship, as His masterpiece. My identity mindset changed eternally by taking my creation into account with the perspective that I am a chosen and held daughter of God by the saving work of Jesus Christ in His death and resurrection. To go from that realization to see that God has good work prepared in advance for me… mind blowing. It is my choice, each day, to walk in these good works, not so that they get me to heaven or save me because I could never do enough good work for that! I walk in them because I was made to do them and the God of all has called me to do them. My joy in Him compels me to do them.

We hear that we have unique paths and we all have a unique work to do. That should cut out the competition. If we all have things God desires us, as individuals, to do then why would we be competing with others who also have unique things to do for God?

Sometimes, our unique gifts and works look a lot like what thousands of other people are doing. Spouses know this. Parents know this. Singers know this. Nurses know this. These are a few titles I wear, works that God had prepared for me to do and I personally know thousands (when I scroll through my Facebook feed) of people doing them very similarly to myself. I watch my friends succeed and should rejoice with them!

When we see others doing the thing that we do, our humanity often gets agitated instead of encouraged. I can hear those lies whispering, “Look how good they are doing! Are you sure you should even try at that?” All of a sudden, the gift or work we do seems invisible simply because someone else has been noticed.

That’s where I see the competition become unhealthy: we begin doing our work or using our gifts for the praise of man in place of the One who created us for them in the first place. If I am mothering my children so that they will love me or that the world will see what a great mother I am, then I will be disappointed when other moms do better than me. If I am singing praise to God so that other people will know how good I am at it or admire my faith, then I will be disappointed when there are no compliments or when another worship leader gets elevated.

I’m coming to believe that there is no place in the Kingdom of God for unhealthy competition. It’s a foothold for the enemy to steal, kill, and destroy the beautiful work God is doing in and through us all. Let’s learn together how to celebrate our friends who are “Student of the Day” by remembering that we are seen and loved by the One who created us to do good work in the first place.

“As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” Ephesians 4:1-6

New Creation

I am going to tell a long story about bringing Jordan Lynn into the world. I don’t want to forget a bit of it. Not. One. Bit. I do want to share some parts of it here with you.

Months ago, I found myself learning new things. Maybe they weren’t all new things but a revision of some truths I have known for years with new understanding of the Truth written on my heart. Scripture after scripture, sermon after sermon, podcast after podcast the Lord was fleshing out the same things in me and He still is.

But, one thing, kept coming up and it frightened me. I have been intentionally studying how to pray in the Spirit for a year now. It has changed my prayer time from bringing a list of requests to God and then finishing my coffee to get on with my day. Praying has turned into a real conversation, as one sided as it may seem audibly, where I find myself praying for things I would not ordinarily pray about. It’s been more driven by the Holy Spirit. Here is one of my favorite mini-explanations of this practice: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-to-pray-in-the-holy-spirit

Learning better how to pray in the Spirit, to pray and create space for the Lord to work things out in my prayer times, a recurrent prayer kept coming up: save my life.

Every time I would be praying and feel compelled to pray for my very life to be spared, I seemed to stutter. Is it okay for me to pray that I won’t die? It seems selfish. But it keeps coming up and I want to follow the Holy Spirit in prayer but this? Should I pray for this?

Overwhelmingly, I felt the answer was yes. I found prayers for life saving intervention in the Bible. Every time the compulsion to pray for my life came, I started obliging it. I prayed for my life to be saved, for me to live so I can mother my daughters, love my husband, and serve the Lord with all I am.

When we found out we were pregnant, it was a big surprise. Moving into the mission field, selling all of our earthly belongings and trekking across the world to a new country carry a certain level of anxiety in transition but, adding a new baby to the family right after that? That was another level of crazy.

My first appointment with the obstetrician assigned to me by the health service here was unsettling, to say the least. He had concerns because he didn’t have all the details about my last daughter’s birth and wasn’t sure whether I should naturally deliver another baby that was already measuring ahead of schedule. His concern was sincere and I understood but wasn’t worried for the same reasons he was. My only concern was about navigating a new health system and trying to turn my nurse brain off as much as I could while still advocating for myself and my baby.

Each appointment, I felt a little anxiety. The recommendations would change a little with every different midwife, ultrasonographer, or consultant, each with their own opinion of how my delivery would go with this “big baby”. I started praying this baby would have not be abnormally large and would have slender shoulders. God really is the only One who could control that outcome!

And still this prayer, along the way, to spare my life. With the constant talk about a “big baby”, I started to think that this specific prayer may have something to do with my delivery.

The morning I woke up to a serious pain that any third time mom would call a “real contraction”, I was worn out. I had an ultrasound scheduled that day. My mom had arrived the week before. It was a few days before the baby’s due date but I knew this could be the day. I slept in once my two year old had gotten out of our bed. I am so glad I did.

As I woke up and went to the Lord in prayer, I laid my little anxieties at His feet. I sang to the Lord. I scribbled the lines of worship in my journal and put myself in my proper place, reminding myself of the big, great God that I serve. I prayed for strength, to remember His promises, to find resilience in my firm foundation of Christ alone, that my precious baby would have a full, healthy start and that I would do all I should and thrive during and after labor. I was sure that this was the day I would go into labor, the infrequent but real contractions indicated I was right.

And I repented. I’m not gonna list those utterances here. I prayed for conviction that I would repent and He faithfully convicted me and I repented. I wanted to be close to God. Having a baby is such a time that closeness to God in creation is purely evident. I wanted no unrepentant sin to cloud that closeness.

God took me to Psalm 1, Psalm 32 and Psalm 84. I read them back to God and praised the Lord. May I delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on it day and night. May I be, that day and always, like a tree planted by the streams of water, yielding fruit in season and not withering away. May the Lord watch over my ways. Blessed am I because of the sacrifice of Christ on the cross and His conquering sin and death! That my sins are forgiven in Him! Surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach me. God is my hiding place. He will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. The Lord’s unfailing love surrounds me, I trust in Him.

Every word of Psalm 84 stirred my heart in praise and faith. My heart set on pilgrimage, going from strength to strength. Blessed is the man who trusts in God. I prayed:

“You are watching over my ways, Oh Lord. I come fully to You, every bit of myself exposed before You, and You forgive me! In all of my troubles, my fears, my battles, You protect me! I am surrounded by Your singing: songs of deliverance! Songs of Your unfailing love! I will sing and rejoice, I will join You in song, Your promises surrounding me, my praises rising to You! Hallelujah! Amen!”

Little did I know how these prayers would be heard, answered and brought to mind.

Billy drove me to my ultrasound and, once again, baby’s bones were measuring long and I looked impressively large and low. She asked if I was having pains and I told her I had had a few real ones throughout the morning. An hour later, a midwife assessed me on the labor ward and said things hadn’t moved too far along yet. Off to a consultant downstairs who assessed me and said things were not moving too fast and they would induce me in three days if I hadn’t had a baby by then. Between the two assessments, I had a couple of real contractions and the difference noted on assessment confirmed my suspicions: things were actually moving along.

So, Billy and I walked to get some lunch but stayed in the town near the hospital. The thought of me having a baby at home or in the car thirty minutes away was not something Billy was up for entertaining. By the time we finished eating, the pains were more frequent so we went up to our local church where an outreach had just finished and they were sitting down for dinner.

Our pastor’s wife met me outside and prayed for me. I know my anxiety was coming back after getting so many opinions at the hospital and feeling a bit confused by everyone’s different thoughts. Her prayer brought me back to the Lord and I felt an immense calm.

As we talked with the team and heard of their great, providential day of ministry in Ballinasloe, I realized the pains were indeed real, not imaginary, and things were moving along even more. When you are a nurse, you try to downplay your own feelings sometimes. I think we fear being wrong about our assessment of ourselves. Well, my water broke on the way to the car so there was no denying I was right and going to meet our baby face to face soon!

I’ll spare all of the details from then to delivery (you are very welcome). We renamed the baby Jordan Lynn as she was born safely, quickly, and with little time to spare! This would honor both of her grandmothers: Yordanos (an Ethiopian name for Jordan) and Penny Lynn.

But, as soon as she was born, I looked around and thought, Wait...why the spiritual preparation for this? That was quick and healthy. She is perfect.

Then I saw the midwife’s face. Determined confusion puzzled her and I knew it would be my own body that would be the problem. She was trying to determine why I was losing so much blood. By the time she paged the consultant, I knew this was already the most severe post-partum hemorrhage I had had to date. They knew my history and were ready but this was not like the last times.

People flooded the room and I told Billy to message every person he could to pray for my life. No medical provider wants to be in this situation: knowing exactly what is happening and being completely unable to do anything. I remembered my prayers. “In all of my troubles, my fears, my battles, You protect me! I am surrounded by Your singing: songs of deliverance! Songs of Your unfailing love!”

Overwhelmed by the promises of God, I prayed for my mind. I knew He had heard my prayers for my life all these months. I knew those prayers were for this moment. I knew He had gone before me and I was delivered already from this battle. But, I prayed to keep my mind in this battle. I called out repeatedly to God, into my oxygen mask with the anesthetist at my left arm feeling what I knew was becoming a weaker pulse.

My face and arms were getting cool and tingly. I asked what my blood pressure was and was told it was “just fine”. I looked them in their faces and said, “I’ve been a critical care nurse. What is my blood pressure.” Platitudes don’t do much to a nurse who knows this is a tenuous situation. I watched every person in the room, watched the stretcher come in to take me to the operating theatre, watched the face of the young, bright obstetrician explain all the things they would try before they would perform a hysterectomy to save my life.

I heard the familiar sounds of paging for blood products. I thought to myself, They are ordering 4 units of O Negative blood...they don’t even think they have time to cross match me with my own blood type? I know my samples went to the lab when I arrived earlier. I told the frenzied nurse which of my IV’s was still open for the fluid she was setting up. I never lost consciousness, praise the Lord. I heard them say my estimated blood loss was 2.5 liters and I looked at the stretcher. Lord, isn’t that enough? Please let me keep my womb.

Then I stopped bleeding. I could see surprise on the faces of the five midwives, two obstetricians, one anesthetist and the hospital administrator on shift (you know you made a good fuss when the people in dress casual clothes come into the room). I laid there hooked up to IV infusions, monitors, and a precious baby that decided to nurse in the midst of the chaos.

The room was complete peace to me. It didn’t look like it but it sure felt like it. The anesthetist said he was glad he didn’t have to explain everything, that I knew something about medicine. He told me I was a good patient, that I stayed calm and helpful. I told Him the Lord gave me my mind in that moment, that I prayed not to pass out. I told every midwife that the Lord had delivered me! That He had surrounded me with songs of deliverance!

The next few hours were bizarre. Everyone seemed content that I hadn’t needed surgery but surprised. Two and half liters of blood is severe. Billy was at a loss for words, having been so supportive while fearing I would lose my life. He told me that the people running in the hallway when he had to leave the room really scared him. I received four plasma transfusions and countless other medications and blood work were done. The delivery was a dream. The post-partum hemorrhage was a potential nightmare.

I didn’t see my main midwife for a while and I knew she had to be doing some serious paperwork. The young doctor came back in and I thanked her. She did very well under pressure and I shared with her about our call to Ireland. The anesthetist returned and the three of us, while I peacefully nursed my baby, agreed that God had intervened in that room.

Though I felt physically weak and short of breath with walking, my spirit was so strong. Every prayer that God would spare my life came rushing back and I knew the Lord had heard my cry. My baby was perfect. I was little worse for the wear but no one could understand how I wasn’t out of my mind exhausted or why my bloodwork still looked so good. I kept telling them each that the Lord had delivered me! I remember looking at Billy and telling him what a miracle it was that I was leaving this hospital walking and with my womb.

We have been asking our prayer team to pray that we would be a living testimony to those we encounter, especially in labor and delivery. That prayer was answered. I testified of the Lord’s goodness in Christ to every person who would listen (maybe to a few who wouldn’t). When God does something like this, praising Him is the first and best response! Then, you have to tell people!

Were there skilled providers there? Yes. Did I live a healthy life before that gave me a better shot at surviving that situation? Yes. But do we get any of the credit? Absolutely not. The Living God placed the right people at the right time in the right place to witness and assist in His deliverance of my body. Of that, I have no doubt.

When the medical interventions seemed not to work, the prayers of so many people encircled me. When the Lord surrounded me with songs of deliverance, I felt certain His accompaniment was the petitions of my beautiful family in Christ praying on my behalf.

I thought of Gideon going into battle in the book of Judges. This explanation could go on for pages but I will limit myself. When God tells Gideon in Judges chapter 7 that He would defeat the Midianites and give them into Gideon’s hand, God does something important first. He tells Gideon that there are too many men on his team.

God says, “In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength saved her, announce now to the people, ‘Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead.’ “ (Judges 7:2-3). Twenty two thousand soldiers leave. God goes on to prune away more men from this army until only 300 men remain to fight this battle (Judges 7:7).

The attack happens and the Lord’s hand in it is obvious to all. God does just as He said He would: He goes before them and gives Midian into their hands. He does it in a way that shows that only He could have done this.

I rehashed that in my mind for days following Jordan’s birth. So that Israel could not boast of her own strength, God took that army down to a small portion before delivering a large victory. Everyone who heard or saw would know that surely God had His hand in that fight. You could substitute my name for Israel and find what I think was the working by God for my good and His glory in what was a very near tragedy.

I don’t believe that, in my own strength, I could stay conscious, strong-hearted, and even minded through the morning that roughly 30% of my body’s blood volume was gone in a 30 minute window. I would never have thought about getting up and walking to the bathroom alone to shower after such a blood loss, but I did it. I watched a physician stare oddly as she saw me in the hall, shaking her head silently. I even heard them saying there was no way my hemorrhage had been that severe considering my physical assessment and lab work the following days. I assured them it was. Anyone in that room could confirm what had happened. I watched the scene unfold… but the Lord is my strength.

How do I finish this story? I am still at a loss for words despite the hundreds of words I have poured out here. They seem completely insufficient.

Once I was ready, they discharged me home with my precious baby and Billy collected us. We got burgers on the way home and I have enjoyed a bit of bed rest as I regain my endurance. God providentially made a way for my mother and an Austrian teenager to both live with us for the entire month of August. Our big girls are loving having them here and my mom has made me enough lamb livers to boost anyone’s blood supply back up to normal.

It is completely incredible. And life moves on. Baby Jordan is growing. Jane is getting ready for her first year in primary school, called Junior Infants here. Johanna seems like a giant, though she was my little baby a few weeks ago. Billy will go back to work. Our house guests will go home. Ministries will be back in full swing.

Then I will make my coffee in the mornings, sit at my kitchen table, watch the misty rolling hills beyond my garden wall and pray. I will pray and know that, if the Lord puts it on my heart, I better take it to Him. I will enjoy this sweet fellowship with God, driven by the Holy Spirit inside me.

I may never clearly know why I am praying for certain things or people. But, I will pray in the power and righteousness of Christ who has so graciously sacrificed Himself to pay for my sin, that I may come to the Father and know Him deeply. He will hear me and act, maybe not in the ways I expect but in His ways that are higher than my own.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

“14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

Ephesians 3:14-21

Seven Years

I woke up today and forgot for a good few hours what day it was. With one kid getting ready for school, the other following behind her big sister, a very pregnant me trying to eat something before nausea sets in and my husband watching the clock to get out the door on time, I would say I didn’t give enough thought to the calendar this mornings.

But, that is real life. We sat at the table for a moment together, him and I. The little girls played imagination in the living room while we grasped one another’s hand and stared out into the miles of rolling Irish hills scattered with greens and sheep. Seven years.

It has been nearly ten years since we met and started “doing life” together. Nearly ten years have passed since we found the Lord placed the same call in our hearts for His Kingdom in Ireland. Nearly ten years have passed since I saw a young man who fervently sought to know God and love Him with all he had.

Today, though, marks the shift and covenant day between us. Seven years of man and wife. Seven years of learning some lessons the hard way, finding that sacrifice for one another is a privilege and doesn’t feel so burdensome when it brings us together in unity. Seven years of growing and pruning and flourishing on repeat.

Marriage changed everything. All the humanity that propels you toward one another before marriage becomes the very stuff that tries to pull you apart once this covenant is made. The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy this refining union made by God. So, we make ourselves love without conditions. We make ourselves put our eyes on Jesus when we can’t look any longer at the part of our beloved that makes us feel so very unloved. We make ourselves gather up the memories of blissful unity in case the days that are hard need to be reminded of the joy we know.

The whole day goes on like normal: school runs, grocery trips, meetings, meals, and every in between moment of real life. Dinner passes and bedtime hits with it’s silly giggles followed by screaming tantrums, soothed only by daddy singing hymns to their overtired ears.

I listen to the man I love singing to his little girls the gentlest version of Rocky Top you would ever find and the Lord knits us together in the next layer. I try to find a way to rock our newest baby to sleep in my womb. I think about our raw moments, the ones no one else will see or know, and I praise God for this man. He loves me fiercely. I love him back.

We love God more than we love each other. It has to stay that way.

Goodnight, seven years.

Known by God

As I have read and prayed through Psalm 139 the past few weeks, I find myself wondering how many of us have sat in a season of life where we could take enough breaths and think to ourselves that things are really steady. At some point, have you ever thought you were sufficiently strong in faith and knowledge? That there was no real risk involved as you work out your faith in action? That there is no fear left to creep in?

Me neither. Maybe, for a few moments, I might have thought that in the last four years. But, I clearly remember praying that God would grow me. Heck, many throughout God’s Kingdom were singing this prayer:

“Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, where my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.” (“Oceans” by Hillsong)

If you don’t think the songs you raise in worship to the Lord are prayers, you might want to watch out. Watching people really worship is to watch them change their perspective, adjust their minds and hearts, and look to God for their path and provision. Praise and prayer go hand in hand.

For myself, God heard my prayer to know Him more and refocused my lense. My view did not get smaller, though. I would call it zooming out. I thought He would take me deeper into the things I was already used to. Instead, He showed me that what I knew, the foundation I was set firmly upon, was good but that a new season was coming. He started to teach me more about Himself and remind me that this would take my entire lifetime, not reaching completion until I have reached Heaven.

He was showing me so much and growing me in new ways. My feet were far beyond where I could wander alone, seeing that I really can no longer live but Christ in me. That I can know, believe, and act in His Righteousness in place of my failed, human attempts at righteousness. I was understanding and learning about parts of this faith that I had read over in His Word time and time again. But, it was His timing to grow me in ways I did not expect.

Anytime we learn something new in life, there is risk as we put it into practice. It is why new nurses are precepted by experienced nurses for weeks or months. There is a margin of error that comes into the practice of life. Fear crept in that I would drop the ball. In fact, I quickly dropped the ball in a moment where I let my flesh convince me to be afraid of what people would say in response to my understanding of a circumstance. It was a simple moment, nothing much compared to other times I went with my gut, followed God’s peace into the uncomfortable places, risked looking like an fool for the sake of Christ. It was a safe moment, surrounded by believers, where I should have felt more comfortable than ever sharing my two cents but I didn’t and that only made my fear louder. So, instead of quieting my fear, I quieted myself, prayed, and didn’t say what I knew I should have. The next day I understood completely why the Lord was convicting me. Hindsight is 20/20. I never want to drop the ball again. Will I? I’m human so probably. But, I don’t want to.

I share that vague experience to remind us that the fear of failure and criticism can keep us from obeying the Lord. That seems obvious but I think it is dangerous to think we are “beyond” being afraid. We have to know that fear can be there, as I often mistake fear to be sensibility or precaution. I have to look at it and call it what it is: fear. We need to make sure we don’t sit in that fear but that we cast it out, face that fear with truth.

God calms my fears. His Word affirms my identity, that I have a spirit of power not of fear (Romans 8:15). I test everything against the Truth, that is His Word. He repeatedly shows me that He knows who I am, the motives I have, the purpose of my actions, and that I must be obedient to Him as an ambassador of Christ, whom I fear with reverent trembling (2 Corinthians 5:11-21).

And, again, He reassures me from those who disciple me! Just as I did stepping into the practice of nursing, I have spiritual preceptors that beautifully minister to me. These beacons of faith that I love and respect speak truth that I need into my life. One, in particular, directly addressed these fears saying, “You are undermining what God is doing.” She had no idea, at the time, how true that was on so many levels.

In the past four years, I have done things I never thought I would do. Maybe I thought I would do some of them “some day down the road”. Some of them I sought out but most of them happened when I least expected it. From becoming a homeowner, nurse administrator, and interpreter to changing seasons in ministry as a pastor’s wife, worship leader, and now stay-at-home missionary mom, there has always been a new margin for error. I pray that margin is ever-shrinking as I learn better to do what God has called me to do.

But, the margin of error, though ever-shrinking, won’t ever completely disappear this side of heaven. Wouldn’t the enemy be so pleased to keep me focused on that margin, though? On what I can mess up and how I can stumble instead of how powerful my God is? Thankfully, God holds me fast, knowing me completely. Wherever I go, in whatever I do, I can cast out fear with God’s love, saying “even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” (Psalm 139:10)

God is asking each of us to obey and follow Him in personal ways. We, as believers in Jesus Christ, are parts of His active and working Kingdom. Let’s not let the risk of failure keep us from doing what is right. Where we fail, God will fill. I pray we never settle in the fear that comes from being known by man. Instead, I pray we rest in the grace that is being known by God.

In the Love of Christ,

Hannah

A Year in Faith

“Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”

I bought a wooden block inscribed with those words a year and a half ago. It was a time where I found myself with lunch breaks to meet up with friends or to think alone at the coffee shop over my favorite hummus plate. I had accepted a job about five months before as a nursing director at a local agency providing community-based support and nursing services to people in their homes. It was exciting and challenging and truly a position I had always said I didn’t want. But, I loved it! Home by 5:30 pm from my job right down the street, able to have dinner and rest with my family, setting goals as a family and seeing them happen, having the chance to advocate for peoples’ best health and choices every single day… this was a dream come true. It was a dream I didn’t know I wanted.

So, when I saw this little wooden block I knew it was necessary. I bought it and put it right in my kitchen, alternating between stovetop and window sill, to remind me not to let this new job that I loved replace my first calling to my husband then children ever again. It wouldn’t take me much retrospection to look at the past two years of my life and see that God had been leading me to let go of my position at Vanderbilt and trust He would provide something closer to home and better for my family.

I LOVED my Vandy Children’s life! With some of the best coworkers around, each striving for excellence and providing the type of patient and family-centered care I thought was possible only in research journals, why would I ever leave! I hated that our jobs were so necessary but I loved what we did and praised God for the calm He gave in moments that felt like storms. The word “crash” is so accurate to me as I remember nights of feeling like we had done everything and then, as if the ceiling is falling and while people are sobbing, everything changes with people coming in right in time to take their stations and save a child’s life. Hate the necessity of that place. Love the purpose and the drive-in those professionals, watching the Lord work miracles through extraordinary people. It was my professional comfort zone.

As good as my Vandy life was, I knew I was scared to set aside the comfort and security there for something that might not even work out. The Lord made the path straight and brought me closer to home. This time, I would have more boundaries. This time, I would listen when I felt that nudge from God to focus in at home or church. This time, I would not delay in obeying Him (which is just a fancy way of saying that I originally disobeyed Him… something I have repented for and feel freedom now to share).

Little did I know that the awareness of His Will over my will, the acute sensitivity I had to His guidance (constantly reinforced by the Word and affirmed in wise counsel) would take us so far from Dickson, TN so soon. I thought of this little block in my kitchen as I packed my bags to head to Ireland on a mission trip with my husband last year. I thought of this little block when I half-joking looked at Billy on the plane and said, “Five Years, Buddy” to remind him of our Dave Ramsey goals. I thought of this little block during our evangelism outreach when I saw my husband ministering to teenage boys and knew God needed us here now.

Ireland was the long-term dream God had given us in the foundation of our relationship and since I was a child. Now, a year later, we prepare for our home church to send a new team for the same outreach we came on last year. Now, we prepare for their arrival as long-term members of this Irish ministry newly sending roots into the greenest land we have known. Now, I stare at this little block in my new kitchen window and believe that obedience is better than any other option.

I still find myself crying some days as I remember the people, the places, the home we had made but the tears change instantly from sorrow to joy because it is a blessing to have such a community, built on God’s Truth, to send us into this season! We left a season and team in which people operated in truth, sought peace in even the hard ways, and truly shared the same desire to see lost people meet and know Jesus. We were a spiritually well-oiled machine and could trust the work of God in one another, through the tough and the easy lessons. So. Many. Lessons. What took years to build there will happen again in God’s time and in new ways without taking away from what God did back home.

It is my earnest prayer to continue to know God better, to seek the heart of Christ and the peace the Holy Spirit instills then to allow that to guide every decision. I pray that we may know His Word deeply and test and discern all leading against His scripture (1 Thes 5:21). I pray that we are a family that follows the Lord, making ourselves rest in His present peace when our humanity clings in fear to comfort and security (John 14:27).

And now, I will stare at this little block as I was the dishes and praise God that all of His promises are “Yes” and “Amen” in Jesus Christ (1 Cor 1:20). May we have another year, alongside all of our fellowship and communities at home and abroad, of trusting the Lord’s ways over our own and believing that He is higher. He is the God of providence. He is working. All the glory is His.

In the Love of Christ from Ireland,

Hannah

Freedom

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17

A couple of months ago, I was driving into town with my girls. My oldest toddler was sitting in the back seat quietly singing to herself. “Oh-oh, My God is always with me wherever I go.” She has a raspy, child’s voice and it was sweet to hear her singing that in the dark of night in a quiet car. I prayed she would know that, believe that, and experience that for her whole life. Her God is with her wherever she goes.

It was a crazy season. We had sold our house, sold nearly everything we owned, moved in with my in-laws, and accepted positions to serve as missionaries abroad. We were just two months shy of the big move and there were a ton of… feelings and emotions. My daughter would ask to please go drive by our old house, already redecorated and looking familiar yet foreign to us.

We were, and still are in many ways, living lives with no strings attached. Hymns reiterating that my worth is not in what I own continually play through my mind. The feeling that home is only where Jesus is, that my treasure is in heaven and that I consider the rest of this life nothing compared to knowing Jesus… that feeling is more than a feeling or belief now. This is reality and it is freedom.

It is hard to look people you love in the face and believe that you love them so much but you still choose Jesus first. It does not make sense to the world. It is hard, in my humanity, to look at the quilts you hand-made for your babies, box them up, and know that these are precious but they are nothing compared to Jesus. It is odd to love something, someone, somewhere so much and find it so… easy to walk away. How can something be hard and easy at the same time?

We have been in Ireland for a couple of weeks, getting to know places and people. Things haven’t gone exactly as planned but God has shown up in every step at just the right time. I sat down the first day I was alert enough to read my bible and intentionally pray to God. I asked Him why I wasn’t afraid. Why am I not scared or losing my mind or ready to run back home when things don’t go exactly the way we hoped they would?

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17

I found it easy to walk away, into the unknown but certain, because we were not walking away from something. We are walking toward something. We are walking toward the Lord. We are walking to Him and, where His Spirit is, there is freedom.

Can I be even more honest?

As I sat there in prayer, overwhelmed by the beauty of this freedom, I became reverently afraid of the Lord. His Greatness is beyond my understanding. His Glory beyond all compare. He, with all power and all authority, leads me - leads us. Now I know that I can follow Him, even in the unknown certainty of obedience. He could take us anywhere and do anything. I pray we would always be obedient.

Now, we keep taking steps in faith. We keep walking towards the Lord, toward Jesus. He is Home. We are free.

In the love of Christ from Ireland,

Hannah

Provision

I woke up today thinking of birds. We are staying with family in New Orleans and the walls are a treasure chest of beautiful art. My aunt tells us that they have bought at least one piece of art each year of their marriage. Walking the halls is like stepping into a treasury of expression. My eye always looks for birds. Though there are meaningful pieces of every variety, the birds catch my eye the most. They are a living reminder of God’s promise.

In this season of our lives, we have sold all of our belongings (save a few mementos that wouldn’t make a penny but are priceless to us) and left our jobs. We are raising financial support for our ministry abroad as we prepare to be present disciples, sharing the hope of Christ with many who may never have heard it before. We are transient, living with my husband’s parents as we wait to step into the place God has called us next: Ireland.

And, each day, I find myself growing closer to God. He is teaching me things I never dreamed I would learn. If I wasn’t learning them right now, I might have even said certain lessons and actions of God don’t happen to average folks like me. I would have been wrong to say that. God uses all who are willing to walk in His Righteousness instead of their own, regardless of how seriously you have messed up in the past. (That is a whole separate post but I would love to talk to you if you are stuck on that sentence.)

The birds. I was talking about the birds. I need to remember the birds. As we watch God provide for our needs to enter the mission field, I need to remember the birds. Jesus admonishes His followers not to worry about tomorrow. He says, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26)

These birds are beautiful and miraculous in flight and they don’t worry. I would say...their brains may not have much room for worrying. But, God provides for their every need, every day and it is just enough. And these are birds. Am I not more valuable than a bird? Which of us was created in the image of God? The sparrow or me? The answer is me...and you and every human creature (Genesis 1:27).

Some days I get caught in the worry cycle: what happens if we don’t raise all of our support, can’t meet with everyone we want to meet with, or get sick enough we need to take more time at home? Christ has reassurance for me that can pull me out of the worry cycle. He reminds me that my worrying about tomorrow is useless! Today has enough trouble of its own, why would I add more to that?

Jesus also offers a promise in the midst of this teaching: “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33) I pull myself out of the worry cycle by holding onto my thoughts and speaking truth into the situation. My friend Diana calls it “Erase and Replace”. I erase the false narrative within me and replace it with the TRUTH. The truth is this: Jesus has promised me that when I seek Him first in His righteousness (not my own), God will give me all I need. He does not promise me all that I want but all that I need. Enough for today. Because I know that God’s promises are a resounding “Yes” in Jesus, I am free from worry.

Does this mean I can sit around and wait for God to deliver enough of what I need right into my lap? I do not think so. Our pastor, Kevin, recently pointed out that God gave Adam a job in the Garden of Eden. Work has value. Working out in our faith develops us in more ways than I can explain.

I look at the birds. God gives them what they need. The birds go out and find what God has provided. It is a joint action, a tenuous balance between relying on and working with God. I rely on God to provide and I work hard as He leads me. When I remember that the results of my work are ultimately a gift from God, I am healthier in stewarding the skills He has given me and the results of our work. Our work these days looks like getting out and sharing the vision for our mission with as many people as we can, asking them to join us in prayer and support. Our work looks like seeking God’s purpose and direction with full surrender and teaching our kids to do the same as we do it ourselves. Soon, it will look like ministering full time to people with a committed support team propelling us forward and relationships that transcend culture or distance.

For me, there is another key piece of relying on God’s provision: spiritual direction. Other than the financial worry cycle, I get caught in a worry cycle that I will say or do the wrong thing spiritually. I ask myself, “Is this really what God is asking me? What will I even say when I try to act on that prompt? Will everyone think I am crazy?” The cycle can be vicious and disabling. The cycle can be used by the enemy to immobilize followers of Jesus.

Thankfully, Jesus was specific when He taught the disciples on this. In Matthew 10, Jesus is directing them on how to go out and reach people. He warns them that they definitely will have trouble. This will not be easy but God will provide them places to stay and food to eat through the people they encounter. He tells them they will find themselves in situations where they may worry about what to say or do.

Then...He makes the promise of provision again: “But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” (Matthew 10:19&20)

He goes on to say, “So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.” (Matthew 10:26&27) He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world! And He (the Creator of all) will give me the words to say. My responsibility is to go and say them.

My other responsibility to do the spiritual work necessary to speak His truth. What spiritual work is there to do? For me to hear what the Holy Spirit will tell me, I need to be listening for the Holy Spirit. I need to be up and at it, doing the spiritual work of prayer, fasting, worship, study, and measuring every piece of what I believe the Lord is telling me or guiding me to against the Truth of God’s Word. I need to be testing what I hear against the Holy Spirit simultaneously present within my mentors, faithful disciples, and servants of God in Jesus.

And the birds. Jesus goes on in Matthew 10, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” God prepares my path before me. I am only as aware of this as I allow myself to be. We must work each day to see God’s provision and follow Him in it.

I find myself in a new season. This is a season where I must rely on my Providential and Sustaining Father. Without Him, we will fail. We need Him. What this season is teaching me is also that I have always needed Him and He has always shown up. It is just an even starker reality and necessary focus in this time.

He cares for the birds. He tenderly and faithfully provides for the birds. The degree to which He loves us more than the birds is immeasurable. I can and will rely on Him. He is the most faithful one in this relationship. I am a work in progress.

In the Love of Christ,

Hannah

In Peace and Comfort

On this Sunday, one year ago, I sat in my house excited for what the next day held. We had decided to speed up a very slow labor and have baby Jane induced early Monday morning. I couldn't eat anything after midnight, not that I wanted to as the labor contractions had already started and they were not playing nice on the way to the hospital. Needless to say, that was an anxious Sunday. Anxious and exciting.

Today is a Sunday. It is the beginning of the week my baby girl will turn one year old! What a whirlwind. But I am, once again, not having anything to eat or drink after midnight and heading to a hospital room not too terribly far from the one baby Jane was born in for a slightly different reason. Jane has a little brother or sister on Heaven now and it is time for me to let that precious child go.

We had known for a few weeks we were expecting but I was extremely anxious about our first appointment. Our OB said that was common for the second time around so we had our little ultrasound and she asked us to have another one on the higher intensity machine. We quickly went into another room and I knew the ultrasonographer was measuring more than the baby's size. 8 weeks 4 days but something was off so would we please follow up in one week. I sent Billy and Jane to the car and clung to the perfect heartbeat strip she printed me (bless her). My OB was in the hall and I gave her my "I'm a nurse, just tell me" face. It was all understandable and very much the situation where you just don't know which way things will go.

But I did know. I went on with the very busy next few days but knew that little baby had already passed. I prayed for God to breathe life into death as I believe He can but I also prayed for God's Will to be done, regardless of how my life would look. And it was.

Our follow-up was a sad, quiet appointment. I knew there was no heartbeat as soon as the ultrasound started and I could tell my body had no idea. All my symptoms of pregnancy were there but the baby we saw was the exact same baby from the week before. Same size and shape.

I guess I felt like I should tell...everyone? I think it helps when I know what someone is going through before I see them and a text to all my family and friends seems equally as insufficient and difficult so this is the option I chose.

I had a week to prepare my heart for what I already knew had happened so I now rest very peacefully in my Heavenly Father's warm and loving embrace. He planned my days perfectly for me to process the loss of a precious little life and now to have a medical procedure to physically mourn that loss. My heart loved the instant I thought I was pregnant and it still loves as that child is in Heaven.

So, tomorrow morning, I will do the whole IV and fluids and hospital gown experience but, this year, there will be no baby to hold after the pain. But, one day, there will. And that will be a glorious day.

In Christ Love, Hannah